May 19, 2012

Hey, It's Wedding Day, Ya Know?

It's official - I am moving to Wisconsin immediately.

1. People here actually know how to drive. Slow drivers stay in the right-hand lane. People signal. I have screwed up directions a couple of times and made some dipshit turns, and nobody honked or gave me the finger. I imagine they said to themselves, "Oh, hey, well that can happen to ya when you're from outta town." which brings me to:

2. People here are remarkably friendly. I don't mean in the same way to Kansas City people say please and thank you. They actually are… nice. And not just people who have to be, like waitstaff and hotel clerks. People behind you in line at Walgreens. People at the gas station. Total strangers who have no obligation whatsoever will comment to me on the fact that:

3. The weather is beautiful. Truth be told it is a little warm for my tastes (I like 72 and overcast but I'm weird like that) but the air is clean and the sky's blue reflects perfectly in the lakes and rivers, which brings me to:

4. The best reason, is that it is absolutely gorgeous here. When I mention that to the locals they look at me like I'm nuts. But it's true -everywhere you look there are very gently rolling hills, thick, beautiful, big trees. And lakes by the dozen. I can't describe how absolutely breathtaking scenery is to a prairie girl like me.

May 17, 2012

What the Hell Is It With All Of the Fireworks Places?

Honestly - I want to know.  

How Do You Say "I Love You" in Swedish?


I just came back from the Ikea that is next to the Mall of America in Minneapolis/St.Paul (technically Bloomfield, but whatever).  When I first walked in, I literally teared up, like a little kid on her first visit to DisneyWorld. The beauty was so immense I couldn't process it.  I actually gasped - really.  I feel like this is what heaven looks like - everything immaculately organized, well lit, and everyone looks vaguely familiar.  Nobody is sad at an Ikea - nobody.

Cutesy Cattle

I admit that I think these are absolutely ADORABLE.  Now don't get me wrong - if these showed up on my neighbor's lawn I would dial the Homeowners Association BitchLine faster than you can say "Johnson County Beige." But these are fine - they're outside the Iowa Welcome Center/Amish Store/MaidRite Joint in Lamoni, Iowa.  You can't really tell, but they're maid (heh) out of dairy equipment.

White People Love Spray Tanning

White folks like being white (it tends to be an advantage) but they dislike looking white which is why spray tanning was invented. You can easily tell if you are in the white part of town by the number of tanning joints per square mile. (JoCo seems to have at least one per strip mall.)

Spray tanning isn't easy, by the way. It's cold, smells weird, and is kinda loud, not to mention you have to get naked to do it right. But once it's done, you will obtain a gorgeous "tan" in about 8 hours. For the first 12 hours you can't take a shower or have anything on that will rub off the tanning chemicals, so it's a white woman's favorite excuse to wear sloppy yoga pants and turn down her husband's sexual advantages.

On The Road Again

Hi Kids -

I'm off to beautiful central Wisconsin for a mini-vacation/wedding.  My guess is that it is the whitest part of Wisconsin so I will fit right in. I will, of course, be documenting my drive up there and the wedding, because soon there will be no more white people anymore, if this report about how the number of non-white babies being born in America exceeds the number of white babies is to be believed. They've already taken over baseball...what more do these foreigners want??

May 10, 2012

Suck it, Hippies.

Hey there, noob.

I would've called this a "Way Back Wednesday" post, but frankly, it's Thursday.  Truth be told, I feel asleep last night while trying to make this blog look all pretty and welcoming (see that fence? That's for the Mexicans and people visiting from correctional facilities - you're welcome). 

Yes...I decided to re-start the blog. No, it's not 2006.  It's 2012 - we have a Halfrican-American president and some mormon dude who is running against him.  I KNOW.   It's like The Big Guy Upstairs created this whole deal because he knew I was restless to write some shit.

So, if you want to subscribe, do it. And if you don't, well I'm not your mother. But call her anyway.